gwensarah and johanny
He reached in and placed a string of lights around this heart of mine..
14:00 & 06 May 2002

...watching all the films that she loves
listening to her favourite songs
trying to taste a slice of her life..
place some grace in mine
I know how dumb this is,
still I wish she'd write..
She reads her soul..
sunlight on the water
bares her soul
ink upon her fingers--TBS

Once upon a time I had a song written about me, unless you knew me and the musician personally you wouldn't necessarily know it was about me but since he mentioned that it was I was rather thrilled. The bugger did it again, and this time I was the last to know!!! I was late obtaining the single the song is on, some sort of distribution delay so it finally arrived today. Popped it in for a listen and spent four minutes with my mouth open, then read the note..

"Yes, it's you but I won't tell you why- love XXXXX."
Well sheesh, that leaves two scenarios..bugger indeed.

...It seemed to last for hours
It seemed to last for days
This lady of the flowers
her electronic haze...-Placebo

I was talking to Patrick the other day about the woodpecker sibling and he mentioned something about how perhaps there is lots of untried things for me. Well, it seems that he was right and that I have accidently found it...
Every rave I attend I find myself watching the DJ's intently and weaving mixes of songs/music in my head..not just electronic music but samples of great indie songs as well, melody and sound have always had the ability to move me and every so often I will hear something heartstopping. So why not try it, I figured. Worse I could do is make a mess of the sounds.

Yesterday while at Matt's I decided to give it a whirl since he has both the turntables and mixing equipment. In some mixes it was obvious that it was both my first time and that I hadn't given each record an individual listen first but in others there was a glimspe of promise.

I was, dare I say it, a natural. However, that gives me no advantage..because it's more zarking difficult than learning to play an instrument. It takes more than good ear.

But it is ever so much fun heh.

I seem to be catching alot of flak for that above mentioned Woodpecker entry as it turns out that the woodpecker in question read it. Apparently the fact that it was *my* journal and *my* thoughts are worth less than the way she felt reading it. I am the Asshole apparently.
It doesn't surprise me, I am past feeling the way I did when I wrote it and could care less about my family's constant judgement. Perhaps Patrick is right, I need a new family.

Anyone care to adopt me?

I know feelings change
That even those you think'll stay don't always
Can go away..-Field Mice

It's amazing how I can feel I have reconciled myself to the absence only to be brutally reminded how much I miss him inadvertingly.
Last October was a whirlwind, and after a magical time with DFF, B. and the rest I was alive with the realisation of my feelings for DFF. All whirlwinds must rest, and as one month apart turned to two to four those feelings settled back into the comfortable friendship with the exception of our short falling out. I think that everyone runs into "what might have beens" and as I read an email from DFF the other day I was gripped with a flood of images in my mind. What could have been, what might have been, what never was nor could be. I saw things as from the Sliding Doors perpective and wondered..
Wondered and missed him fiercely. Things will never be that way between us again, not as they were that magical week in October. Lovers leave at 5am and are never seen again, pop bands release one shining record then break up...some things are meant to be a brilliant example of perfection never to be repeated. My time with him was like that, and perhaps left our friendship a little different. I don't have any regrets..
For years I have been one of his most cherished friends..
For one week he treated me as more than that, as if I was the most beautiful and witty female he had ever encountered..
Birthday, christmas and rave nights all in one..his place in my heart is secured.

Reading: Emails
Listening: Lots of Placebo.

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