gwensarah and johanny
7am, up for hours and hours
06:23 & 24 October 2004

So Chris says to me about J & M..."did he just fall in love with her because she's not as big as she used to be."
What the hell? The physical thing was never a problem with those two..more a difference in emotional maturity.
Which left me wondering, in his mind..is that the only thing that defines attractiveness? Or the ability to cause someone to fall in love with another? Their fecking size???<
Truth be told..as my size diminishes (although, trust me..I'm not skinny) I wonder at the point of reveling in any new found glances which come my way..because in the back of my mind will be that comment, along with the realisation that being fat does not cause blatant cruelty of others but instead a deliberate ignoring..and that's sad.

I may never be a thin girl or I might be someday..but I'm still the same Gwensarah..the only thing that matters to me is that I like what I see. I honestly could give a rat's ass if anyone ever deems me "hot".

It's 6:30 in the morning, 27 degrees outside and Sisters of Mercy is what I'm listening to...I'd like some coffee and a little less lame ass comments from someone in no position to judge relationships.I think the reason the comment startled me is that it made me think of Jon's "I just don't find you attractive anymore" blow five months after having Rymer. I'm not my sharpest at 0 Dark 30 so all I could do was think of comments past and shoot a look of withering disgust at Chris..for the comment itself and implying my best friend is stupid enough to make a life altering move on such a shallow basis.

Listening to Skylight (Northern Picture Library) and realising I forgot to put this on Jacqueline's CDs..this song reminds me of so much that I'm debating making another mix just to include it. I never forget how much music can simplify me trying to explain things..I'm not always sad and brooding yet even at my brightest there's a corner of my soul that feels these lyrics..because sometimes I do lie in my bed in the darkness, exhausted, without an ounce of hope in my body. It's not that things are so terrible, things are at least stable..no crisises and any drama is the usual sort. It's just that sometimes I feel I've hit a road block. I know alot of this is tied up with Mandy's moving to Quincy..it's hard to explain but it's as if our paths detour now and if I could only see my destination then perhaps I could enjoy the journey more.

I remember back in 2001..I think it was December. Despite everything, there was an air of hopeful excitement...I think we both thought everything was coming together for the both of us. In some aspects..everything I predicted for her during those strange conversations has oddly come to pass.Meanwhile my life could not be more different than what I envisioned then. I don't know what I expected back then..remember, these were the days of Spaceland and lights on a darkening shore, of the cats named after Field Mice and there was an air of coming out of the dark after a long winter.I remember what I used to hope for..hell, all of you know as well. No use going into that crap again, it's not that I'd close the door on the possibility of it happening. It's just that..I want more than that. Exactly what "more" is..I don't know.

I think I miss the people who really "get me". The people who know all the strange bits of light and dark which make up a very confused Gwensarah..It's not just the obvious ones like D., it's people like my sister..who still holds on to the hope of a Portland porch with me on it.

I think the sum of it is that I want to go home..I'm just stumbling around trying to find out what home is.

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