gwensarah and johanny
" say ,'I promise' "
23:43 & 06 June 2005

They had always danced around it and suddenly there it was, that invisible line she drew in the sand. Daring him to cross. "I think I've loved you for as long as I've understood what that word means". The words made it as far as his throat and he could feel himself choke on them, because there were no words that could ever express what he felt at this moment. All he could think of was how here in this place, it was like a confessional. Only the words were stuck and each moment of growing silence grew like a chasm between them. She broke the silence, the words she chose now sending tiny shards of glass through his heart..


"It's not enough that I love you, it's not enough thinking we could maybe get it right, have something most people take for granted. It all leads us back to the "I can't, I won't". How long do we lie here suspended?"


Her words came in a torrent now, "I could name the exact amount of days, hours, minutes that I've had this place in my heart for you. All I ever wanted was to have a uncomplicated life yet I've allowed myself to give you the power to complicate it. Oh sure, it was never with malice; I know that. My feelings were both an addiction and a defense because as long as I carried this torch for you I never had to actually make the effort. Now what? We go through the motions of friendship? We continue using each other as a wall to keep out anyone who might actually love us in an actually functional way? Aren't you as exhausted as I am by all of this?"


Her eyes challenging, she waited for him to fall back on his usual half answers.


"What do you want?" he asked softly.
"Sometimes you. Sometimes to erase all the traces of you. Mostly though, I want to stop the voice in my head that points out all my worst traits. I want to stop feeling like I've failed. At love, at life at having meaning. The voice that whispers, "they're all snickering at you, you'll never be pretty enough or smart enough. Everyone sees what you are behind your mask of confidance. Nothing."


"My god," he whispered, "what happened to you to make you feel that?"


Sadly, she smiled at him.."I've held my past in so long, it's become bonds around my soul. To lay it bare would probably be the one thing that would keep me from you forever. To see pity cloud your eyes would destroy me."

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