gwensarah and johanny
Failure
22:27 & 06 May 2002

I'm idly staring at the sky
Did anybody hear me sigh
A million stars are a moving sight
To all you out there
Reading this tonight
It's just a trick of the light
I have to know what is real
And what is illusion
Tell me how does it feel
Beyond this confusion
Is there anyone there- The Chameleons

There is nothing sadder than realising that when your back is against the wall and falling has become inevitable that there is no one there to catch you. Not even the ones whom you have caught in the past.

The situation I am in is embarassing at best and horrifying at worst. I almost hesitate to lay it bare in so public a setting because there is nothing worse than knowing that I will be looked at with pity and disgust.
The cold hearted truth is that I put my faith in the wrong person and now it's me and my child paying the price..
My friend Mandy was supposed to rent a room from me effective the first of the month and ending in September. It was a win situation for me since I want to go to school full time and the money would have allowed me that. I didn't think there would be any reason not to trust in her word since we had an agreement.
The 25th of April, I called her to make arrangements for her to move in on the 29th. It's then that she drops the bombshell that she changed her mind because of the commute she would have to make (oh please, as if anyone who lives in this godforsaken place doesn't have to make a commute).
It dawned on me then that I would be horribly short on the rent in light of this and when I confronted her with it, she basically blew me off. Easy for her to do since she moved back into her parents' house rent free, something she has done a few times.

To make an incredibly long and sordid tale short, I am absolutely fucked. There is no way I can juggle my expenses, borrow money from my family, ect. The only solution is me packing up house, and sending Rymer to live with my mom...since there isn't enough room for us both, Rymer and I would be separated something that's never been the case.
I've busted my ass and worked so hard to singluarly provide for Rymer only to come to this. He will not understand any of this, he will only know disruption and instability for the first time since he has been born..

I am so angry at myself for trusting in anyone's word but my own..I am angry because this will hurt Rymer. I am angry because I thought things were going comfortably only to be stripped of everything when I least expected it..
I have been let down by two people I thought were two of my closest friends, friends I have helped when they stood to lose everything..only to be blatantly fucked over by one and brushed off by the other. Brushed off when I needed someone to listen and tell me I am not the failure and horrid mother I now believe I am.
I'm not sure where I'll go or where I'll stay, but right now that's not my concern..my only concern is making it as easy as I can on Rymer. As if it could ever be easy, I've failed him. I can barely live with myself knowing that.

Please don't judge me, I'm doing a good enough job condemning myself..but most of all please don't tell me "I'm sure something will work out." because it's too late for that, I tried everything I could think of..perhaps if I had more time it would be different, but I only have until Wednesday to come up with a magical solution.

There are no words that can even come close to how I feel about myself right now.

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