gwensarah and johanny
Part One
16:39 & 25 June 2004

"I know i hurt you..
you know you hurt me too
don't you ever want to lie down close your eyes and leave the ground.."

They say that it's not the destination so much as it is the journey. That the people we meet along the way will become the traveling companions of our memories.

Sometimes I believe this wholeheartedly and it justifies or explains each relationship bringing some comfort when it comes to end.

Until you.

If I could I'd wipe each memory away, leaving only emptiness in it's place. I can see only futility and emptiness in the wake of everything that has happened and I can't simply smile it away.

My heart, fickle companion that it is insists on bombarding me with images..

Walking along the cliffs at night, naming stars at twilight, arguments over which cartoons had most merit, everything from beginning to end with all the moments in between.

I know that my life is divided into two parts, before and after..and all these years later things still have not healed. I am still paying the price for my victimisation.

Over and over and over it goes.

Yet, no matter what I am now one thing remains constant..each night as I lie in that fragile span between wake and sleep it is you who fills my heart and mind.

Saying goodbye to you remains the hardest part for I have let you go but I can't forget...

"I'll meet you in New York
by the drugstore on 1st Avenue..
and then we'll lie down with the buildings all around
I want to say this to you.."

The universe has not been at it's kindest lately and a hard lesson I've had to learn these past few months are all about the fact that what one tries to bury comes to hit even harder..dragging all those around into the chaos.

In every failing that he had towards me there were ghosts of you..for you never failed me in any way save one.

At the end of the day I find that I love you, I've always loved you and the knowledge is has difficult to face as the ghosts of what was and the certainty that I will most likely never see you again.

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