Hmmm..yeah, so I still read everyone. Some of you are still the same which is both alarming and reassuring, depending on who you are. I dunno what my deal is these days but when I read whiny woe is me entries, I think to myself.."eek, is that me?". It has been, I know. I've been chock full of pathetic melodrama to the point where I nauseate myself..so whatever this newfound contempt is it's better than dipping into old patterns. I figure that if/when the day comes when everything is sunshine and glitter I'll write about it, until then there's no point in rehashing the same old angst.
Actually, I'm not feeling very angsty anyhow..I try to scribble thoughts into a notebook and find myself staring into space, nibbling the end of my pen..it's Ryan Adams' fault, music makes pictures in my head that just doesn't translate into word very well. I don't wear my skin easily these days, finding myself constricted by discontent over who I've allowed myself to become. I can blame things or events or chalk it up to laziness but I'm not happy with who I am or who I'm not. I think the girl I was would be disappointed in the woman I've become and luckily for me I'm still young enough to perhaps alter the course. The question is..exactly what is it that I want? I know I want to wear my own skin proudly, I want to be as comfortable with my outside as I am with my inside..and not to sound hokey but I didn't give much thought to exactly how much I hated my appearence until I looked in the mirror the other day and noticed how much weight I've lost. 35 pounds in 6 months, for reasons that have as much to do with trying as it does a flighty appetite. I'm not skinny, oh hell no..but I'm liking what I see a little more and with it have come some realisations.. Being a fat girl sucks..I never overate or did any of the things that are stereotypically associated with being overweight, there were alot of medical factors in my case but it still rankled to know that the skinnies of the world only saw a size 20 girl and thus feel superior, that guys out there preferred my thinner sister regardless of which of us has the better personality (which is up for debate heh) now my older sister is a PFG (proud fat girl) she makes no apologies and refuses to feel bad about herself which is great (of course she's married too so she's in a different camp already) but I've never been a PFG..oh no, because there's always been the skinny waif inside..I actually forget I've gained weight until I look in a mirror and then I'm startled. Indie girls are skinny and cute, it's a known fact and so I've always felt like the odd duck at shows even though we all know I'm the coolest chick around heh. It never ceases to amaze me how much of how we think is tied up to our appearance and I've realised that the girls I envy aren't the skinny ones or the beautiful ones.. It's the ones who no matter what they look like are comfortable with it and confidant..that's fecking awesome and more in line with who I'm trying to be these days. I can't waste my youth feeling like the ugly duckling, keeping to corners like the wallflower.. No one chooses how they look, it's luck of genetics and nature..it's what we choose to feel about it that we can control. So damn it, I'm pretty if I choose to be.
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melodrama, cockblocking, 156 moments, losing, goodbyes, people who suck at driving mountain roads, fakery, backstabbing, broken promises, really hot weather, late snow plows, traffic, being woken up early, monsters and hamsters