Sometimes I keep things out the journal for whatever reason. Usually because it's too close to home..because it's so completely filling up my life that I can't bear putting it to words as well..I wait until time has provided even the slightest of scabs.
This morning, as the sun dawned bright and crisp, as the wind brought the smell of brush fires to my senses..I drove to work all the while reflecting on certain loves, losses, and all things in between. I have to return the car tonight and go back to my dreary existance on public transit. I'll miss these drives especially..because despite my ever present lonliness, I never have the luxury of being alone with just music and thought. So listening to old Field Mice demos I opened the door.... I've been lucky I know, in some ways. To have had three of the most amazing men ever born as my best friends..to have been a part of that group which quickly filled the gaps my family has left. I know I was loved by those three as much as I ever loved them and it does comfort at times..however that part of me who feels betrayed by so much of my past and life cannot still comprehend why I would have to lose all three of them before we were all tottering old people still clutching flexis in our shriveled hands. I always half knew I might lose Rymer (not to be confused with my son) because of the nature of his profession, every time I saw him off to work it was with a shard of ice in my heart because it could be the last time I saw him. That's reality. D. came as a complete shock, yet I had known for awhile that he was losing his battle with his own demons and guilt...the worst about losing him was how angry I was at him. Furious. Even through my tears I wanted to scream at him for leaving me..for giving me one of the worst lessons in death and loss. Morgan, (those who know me in real life know his true name) who I rarely speak of in this journal was the sort of shock that turns one soul into a whirlwind of disbelief. When a seemingly healthy lad suddenly collapses and is dead within moments it shakes up everything one knows...it makes one look at mortality and just how fleeting life really is. D. made a choice, Rymer was a tragic accident but Morgan's death made me realise that there are no tomorrows... I stood there Friday night, listening to Bob sing "If you need someone" and I fell apart. I wept not only for him but for my other two forever-far-from-me friends. I wept for the girl that I was, for the closeknit group that the four of us were. With every word of that song, with every tear I shed, there was a memory. Of laughter, of train trips, of Christmas, of being huddled under blankets outside under the stars.. You see, that was *our* song..the one that I sang to my own son when he was hours old and as I listened to those words, I realised something..
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