gwensarah and johanny
quisalan elevas
22:04 & 28 January 2003

Ég Kem Alltaf Niður Á Sama Stað
Alger Þögn
Ekkert Svar
En Það Besta Sem Guð Hefur Skapað
Er Nýr Dagur--Sigur Ros

I've always known the first part of the song above is true, coming back to the same place can be interpreted in so many ways, and I hold it true for both the good ways and the bad. And I've grown accustomed too, to silence and lack of answer, mostly because I've never given anyone the chance to prove it wrong..regardless of what I share here, I don't reach out to those around me even in my darkest hours. The last part is what has always struck me about that song, 'the best thing God ever created was a new day'..morning always dawns bright and true, shedding light on the shadows, giving the hope that perhaps things will grow to be a little brighter. I hold to that, because without it all that's left is darkness and being forced to muddle through it out of duty and obligation. Regardless of losses, regardless of the destruction of dreams and the decimation of my idealism...I have to hold on to tomorrow. Even if the next day only brings more heartache, the day after that may hold everything I ever only dared to dream about.

I remember how I used to feel D. could fix everything. Broken toys, dashed hopes, a keepsake I carelessly dropped all would be gathered up and presented to D. to make right again, it's something I had not really thought of until I read something written by a girl who felt the same way towards someone in her life (a brother? I'm not too sure) when I read her words I was awash with memories of a time where I believed so absolutely in someone. Even as I got older I think I still half believed there was nothing he couldn't make right again. We're bound to our choices, wrong or right and some roads once stepped onto cannot be turned back from, and while I've accepted his choice as best I can, there are times when I wish I could turn to him to make things okay again. Sometimes I feel as if I failed him, for so many reasons. Times like these when I can't help but wonder if I could have given him more or given him some reason to try. If it had been a matter of depression, perhaps it could have been dealt with. D. was never a melancholy person and given the natural order of things would never have even so much as glimpsed at the sort of despair which leads to such a deparate act. If he had had someone who needed him, perhaps it would have balanced the guilt he felt, I've asked myself many times that had it been me in his place, could I have lived with the knowledge that I caused the death of another even through no fault of my own and know that I would have to. Because of Rymer. No matter how I might possibly feel, I have an obligation to be here for his sake if nothing else.

But D. did have someone who needed him, someone who needed him as much as Rymer needs me, for there is more to need than basic things like being provided for. Love. I needed him, not just because he was so good at loving me but because I also was good at loving him. Even when I thought I could never love or be loved again, he was the bit of light in the dark. I've read the journals and the letters and for two people who could communicate without needing words we sure got lost towards the end. We spent so much time trying to protect one another from what we thought would bring the other pain that we failed to simply trust in that need for each other.

He was so much more than just my best friend, he was the mirror to my heart. He was companion, lover, confidante, protector..he taught me wonder and trust. The world is a lesser place with him gone but I'm more of a person having known him.

I wish so much that I could see him, even if only for a brief moment, if only just to tell him how much I love him and that I could never hate him as he feared I might.

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