I've been thinking alot about February and what it now means to me. A whole year it will be and it both shocks me and of course saddens me. Not a day has gone by where I've not missed my best friend, or thought of him in some fashion. It's not soul wrenching painful to remember..and I know that writing the December Series is in part to thank for that.
I wanted to write tonight, about the letters he bundled up for me for certain milestones, D. never left anything to chance, he always had a plan..it didn't surprise me that even this he made arrangements for..sometimes it makes me angry still, other times incredibly sad that he truly felt he deserved no other chances or choices because of a horrible and tragic accident. He never forgave himself, even when the family forgave him. A late night, rain, a mix up at the pharmacy..one car, one young man on a bicycle and so many lives were shaken beyond recognition..perhaps life is a series of random motions, but I don't believe that, there's a pattern and an intertwining of the threads of life. I suppose fate puts us somewhere but ultimately we choose once we're there. I was sifting through the letters he left tonight, one marked "For London" stood out in particular. For so many reasons. I've not opened it, or opened any of them save for certain ones at their proper times..tonight I want to open this one but I'm sick and the cold stuff I took is making me feel warm, sleepy, and a little misty. Not in melancholy or sadness, but because my heart is full of love for him. Full of love for those people who I call friend, who shower me with their words, their kindness, the gifts of their friendship... The words "I love you" are so hard for me to say, save to Rymer..with him, I say it often, perhaps because I'm never unsure of his love for me or of our closeness. Maybe it's the fever, maybe it's the fuzziness of lots of antihistemines but I can freely say it now: My friends (and you know who you are) have my love..you make me smile, you make me feel bright even when the darkness threatens to overcome all, you make me feel brilliant and beautiful. I want to say thank you and can only hope that I can give you as much as you've given me. You are my Sam. And yes, I love you.
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