gwensarah and johanny
Something most precious
23:10 & 20 December 2002

"We lived in another world
Where we were never invisible.."- Sigur Ros

To those wonderful people who say that I am brave, who admire this undertaking in the attempts to share the light of someone beautiful and now gone, who understand how opening the door to the past can be painful..I say this; I don't feel brave, sometimes as I lie awake staring at his words I cry. For him, for me...for this, something that is beautiful, captured in crystalline brilliance.

For those of you just beginning, start here.

March 1997...

Her twenty- first birthday, surprising her by delivering her gift in person. She threw open the door and what ever words she was about to say to long awaited revelers changed into a shriek of delight and a flurry of movement as she hurled herself into my waiting arms. I found myself mesmerized at her laughter at the way her eyes were suddenly lit by a fire I didn't recognise.

How do I write this? How do I put into words the surge of emotion that flooded me when I opened the door to see him there? I felt drunk on emotion, giddy with the realisation that there was no one in the world that mattered to me more. It all came down to this, to this night, to this beloved and most cherished friend.

I barely recall the round of introductions, the faces of her friends blur together because I was only aware of her and despite a twinge of half hearted regret that she was willing to forsake her own party, I was in no way able to do anything but follow her lead. We found our way outside, to a tree which seemed to house the moon overhead and as she leaned into me I could smell her hair, everything else fell away but this moment. I could not find words other than a whispered happy birthday dear heart. She looked up at me then and through some unspoken meeting of our thoughts, I knew that somehow she had found herself to me. I kissed her then, as if our world would end tomorrow.

I knew with that kiss that there would be no going back, and I only wanted to go forward and so gave in absolute sureness, in absolute trust.

We drove to her house in silence, her head nestled on my shoulder.

I knew this was right. I had never been so sure of anything as I was this.

Even now as I write this I almost do not believe it happened, that it wasn't a jetlagged induced dream. Lying together in the safety of her bed, losing ourselves in each other. I asked her if she was sure and at her smile of reassurance, all doubts fell away. With every kiss and with every touch I tried to convey to her all the things that words falter over. Being with her, such as we were was like coming home after stumbling lost for so long and when she whispered those words I had almost lost hope of ever hearing from her, I felt truly alive.

Later, after drifting asleep to the sound of his heart beating against my own heart I woke to the sun filling the room with pale blue, like so many mornings only this one gloriously different. Against the warmth of him, I could feel tears leaving traces down my face..not because I had any doubts or regret but because my heart was full to bursting and there would never be enough words to ever touch upon how he made me feel.

I watched her sleep and when she awoke I held her as the morning began to dawn and felt suddenly afraid, for there were tears and in seeing them I felt such a tenderness for her as I never had before, holding her close I waited for her to speak, hoping against hope that I could make her happy and keep her safe not just now but for as long as she gives herself to my keeping.

I remember wanting to say something, something to make him realise how truly blessed I felt, and stumbling over my thoughts I fell to long familiar words, holding his hand against my face I said softly, "In this dark room, in this bed. When you hold me like this, I feel so secure" and he smiled and replied back in kind, "You're so precious to me, as you lie beside me drifting away. I feel I'm doing good." and we laughed then, that wonderful laughter that comes from knowing someone completely.

As I write this now I am content as I've never been before. It's as though time has fallen away and the only thing that matters is finding the joy in each other. No matter what happens, there is two of us to face it. Together.

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I'm smiling and crying both now, but sometimes there is no wrongness in that, it was a beautiful night and the start of something precious. Even now after all that has happened I take solace in that birthday, where our gifts were ourselves.

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