gwensarah and johanny
Friendship and exhaustion collide
21:16 & 18 December 2002

'I know this should be..
as all things I can let go will be
"stay here love"..'- Sigur Ros

I never thought I'd have such an overwhelming response to the merging of D's journals with my own, it touches me because in some small way I feel as if D. is continuing to shine past his choice, past being gone. So I'll continue for now at least, with what happened after...

January 1994..

None of us spoke on the train home. She looked out the window, face averted while Rymer read a book and tried to ignore the strained silence. I was not sure how to break the silence, not sure if breaking it would be wise or merely make matters worse. I felt as if I had taken something wonderful and unexpected and made a mess of it.

The ride back. I never wished more that him and I were alone, to talk, to try to sort this out. I never wanted more to throw my arms around him and erase the sadness from his face instead I sat and did nothing. Who am I to offer him comfort when I'm the one who caused the sadness. I truly hate myself right now, I have the chance at something beautiful with the one person who would never hurt me, never leave and instead of running to it I run away.

I can't sleep. I replay things over and over. Her eyes, her smile, the way the cold flushed her cheeks. I keep alternating between pacing and writing, wanting to go to her now because I hear her tears.

Rymer came in and asked if I wanted to talk. I sent him away feeling mean because it wasn't him I wanted to talk to. Several times I've crept over to the wall and pressing my face hoping to hear some sign of life in the next room, I've already thrown things and cried. I feel as if we don't talk tonight the walls only grow higher. I'm such a bloody coward, because I'm the fool here and I know it but wouldn't it be worse to pretend? I've no experience in this sort of thing and always believed there'd be bells and whistles..what if that's just a fairy tale? What if I truly am ignoring whats right in front of me?

Unsure as to when I finally fell asleep and awoke with a start to realise she had come in. I wanted to say something angry, to wound her but at the sight of her stricken face all those angry words fell away unspoken. "I'm sorry" she whispered, her hair falling to hide her face. Taking her in my arms we merely lay still for awhile, uncertain at the changes the dawn would bring to us both. She tried to speak but I gently kissed her silent and told her to sleep, there'd be time enough for talk in the days ahead. There was one question I had to ask, whether or not her fascination for _____ had factored into her hesitance. I felt her shake her head in denial. "No", she said, "I've told you that was something silly and unreal, I'd never chase that over something as wonderful as what you are offering to me." Lying there watching her sleep, I forced myself to understand how young she was, not quite eighteen and that those years of lovelessness at not diminished that hope, that wonder yet had made her wary. Perhaps in time we'd grow towards each other but at least for now, there were these days together.

I went into his room, never questioning whether or not I'd even be welcome. I just wanted to tell him how sorry I was, so sorry that it truly hurt to breathe. He wouldn't let me say much, just held me against him until I drifted to sleep, feeling safe and warm..as if everything really would be alright. He asked me one odd thing though, about ______. He can't possibly believe that I'm in love with _______!! I'm just some silly twit who's been making a cake of myself over him for years. I'm not sure if I believe in 'love at first sight' and while I admit to feeling something the first time I saw _______, love is something that comes with conversation, with time, with sharing moments and embraces. Plus from what I know about _______, he and D. are so similar one could argue that my fancy for ______ just is a cover for me being afraid of loving D. or some stupid overanalytical bullshite. I didn't toll my eyes at the question though, but answered honestly because I'd be a fool to chase a dream over something incredible and availible to me.

I believe everything will be fine. She leaves tomorrow which saddens me but I think we both need time as well.

Everythings been said that can be said right now, I feel ok with things I'm hoping he does too. We leave for home tomorrow, a part of me wishes I could stay but until I truly know I'm staying for the right reasons I will not do so. He will be visiting in June which was a surprise announcement. I will try not to miss him terribly but at least I have letters and the Weekly Tape Story Swap to make me laugh. I'm not looking forward to Rymer's questions on the way home, he's made no secret of being glad at my choice and that's not fair either. I have thoughts about that sometimes, thoughts I don't want to even write because I'm silly enough to believe that saying something gives it life and I don't need any more conflict than the one I've in my heart these days....

****************************************************

Transfering all of this from book to screen I'm forced to relive it, I wish I could go back in time and smack that girl I was then. I don't know how things would have played out if I had felt the same way then, but over the years there were circumstances which threw us together and at times tried our friendship greatly only to make it grow even stronger. I've read journals 94-March 97 and can reassure you that there's nothing truly noteworthy, visits were shared, music was listened to, we still talked about everything and yet "made no mention of before". 1996 saw the entrance of a fourth member of our little group and Trembling Blue Stars became the balm for our slightly more disillusioned souls as the Field Mice had been for our idealistic ones...in mid-1997 tragedy struck, nearly destroying everyone involved...I have not yet braved reading either my own journals which have huge gaps or D's which took up the task of filling in what I would not ever commit to paper.

So here's where I falter, last night and tonight's entries make me want to share more but it also involves revealing aspects of a year I'd rather forget, yet the rest won't make sense with out the telling. I may start another journal, an entirely collaborative journal using the various notebooks and journals we each kept. I can't promise to share the address with everyone who reads this one, because it won't be all sparkles and love lost and found but I do promise this, whenever I transcribe something I feel can and should be shared with everyone I shall post it here as well.

I have to add something too. Perhaps love at first sight is the stuff of fluff and nonsense to borrow a D. expression, but those feelings for that person who's name was ommited in the above entries haven't really diminished. I suspect that other than D. he is the only other person who could understand why Sigur Ros' music inspires me to laughter and tears at the same time, who would welcome the same huddles under blankets sharing everything, who could promise friendship remaining always. Don't ask me how I know, because I can't explain it and it sounds crazy even to my sleep deprived senses...but I know.

Just like I know that we're all the dusty insides of long dead stars and one light can shine in the darkness for countless others.

And with that I say goodnight, good morning and farewell until the next time..

previous & next