gwensarah and johanny
The world to me- the last in the December series
21:50 & 17 December 2002

"You mean the world to me
the world to me..
how am I going to
go on if you leave
dont go dont go away
say you will say you will say you will stay... The Field Mice "World to me"

She wrote some very kind words towards me, and I decided to take her advice and rummage around in search of my Autumn Store record to listen to "World to me", it's one of those songs that take me back and even more amazingly when I pulled the record from the sleeve an old journal tumbled out as well....

I had gone home from work early because I was feeling headachy, nauseaous and depressed not to mention my vision was blurring again. I slept for a few hours, then settled to listen to the Autumn Store and read some of the old journal...

It's quite odd reading words I wrote so long ago, in so many ways I was happier and yet obviously clueless about so much. I read hesitant passages about B1, laughed at the glorious recounting of the first time I saw him, marveled at old photos of D. I had taped to the margins and giggled at my hastily scrawled scathing remarks after various rows about this and that. Remarks I knew better than to hurl at D.'s face since he was bigger and faster than I heh.

Headache slightly forgotten I dug through the box where I had buried D.'s journals, not sure if I'd ever be truly ready to read them I had hidden them from sight when I recieved them in February. Now though, I was curious..curious at one week's recounting in particular...

*******************

January 94..

She's coming, her and the others. A curious sort of early birthday present. We plan on seeing the Orchids show, I plan on telling her finally.

We're finally packed. Rymer and I will be off to see D. and maybe go to some gigs in the area. It's going to be strange since it's the first time we've all been together since Rymer and D's falling out and patching up. Honestly I'm a bit tense about it, I still don't know what all of that was about.

In so many ways I never understood how there could be so much darkness and hurt in one young girl. I know part of it was because of her parents despite her always being so close-mouthed on the topic, but there was always something else too. It was almost as if even when things were bright she could sense that things will end, sometimes before anyone ever means them to.

We got here alright, the trip uneventful. I mostly slept. D. looks tired and slightly worried, I'll have to make a point in cornering him to fess up later. I'm excited to be here, and am basically frothing at the mouth at the chance to see the Orchids again. Who knows when I will get to come back seeing how things are at home, I want this time at least to be something we all remember happily.

I doubt she realises how either one of us feels, she's young and has had stars in her eyes for another for years now. Another thing she never talks about, claims it's silly. She seems happier than the last time I saw her although a shadow crossed her face when I inquired to how things were at home, Rymer shook his head in warning so I understood we'd speak later. It's hard to believe how we've all changed. I used to be able to read her alot more clearly, distance and time alter even the best friendships.

I wanted to lie with him again, listening to records and talk about things like we used to. Part of me was afraid since he's been so weird with me lately. Preoccupied or something. Sometimes I hate how I keep people at arms length, I know he would never not listen to me. I see him glancing when he thinks I'm not looking and sometimes I get angry. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes and I refuse to share things with him that are only going to make him feel helpless. He can't help, and we all know it. I wish he could see that for as long as I'm here that I am happy, I'll deal with the fallout when I get home.

It's 7, January. Today I will hopefully resolve things.

Wooohhhooo tonight will be wonderful.

A friend of ours greeted us by saying, 'did you hear? there was an accident. the show may be canceled.' Gwenny looked at me and said, 'I fear for them, who cares about a show' but someone somewhere obviously did care in the form of Bob and Harvey of the Field Mice, and she shone at the sight so I dared, dared to kiss her in the middle of "Willow" and she cried and smiled at the same time. Those lyrics were like a bell toll at that moment 'Don't you go thinking I never did love you'.

He kissed me. During Willow. While I cried because that song always makes me sad. A gentle kiss which tasted of apples. My first ever. I wish I loved him, I wish he could be what sets me afire instead of dreaming of someone twice my age, who will never notice me, who I can't ever have. I loved D. once, because he truly is everything and I wish things could have been different. Please don't let him be hurt.

There were two kisses that night. One to show her how I feel. How I shall always feel. The second was as her friend, as the train approached the platform I took her in my arms as she wept for lost chances and hurt feelings and kissed her with my heart not just my lips. I understood then, how she sees things, in both blazing colour and bleak darkness. Letting her go, I asked a God I sometimes don't believe in, to keep her safe, to keep her whole, to give her the one who can bring to her heart what I cannot.

I made the right choice, I can't pretend even if it would make him happy. He knows me too well to believe in a lie. Rymer knows, I told him. He wisely hasn't said a word about it. I don't fear for our friendship, I never will regardless of whatever happens..I may not be in love with him but no matter where I am or where he is, we will always be with each other in some strange way. I truly wish I could make my heart choose more wisely.**

***************************

I want to stay up reading all of his journals, I want to see things as he did, walk with him all of those times I wasn't there in body. I finally figured out why this Christmas hasn't touched me, it's because it's the first Christmas without him. Presents will still be wrapped, good cheer will still be shared, my wonderful little boy will get his drum kit to drive me crazy with...but a part of me will be dwelling in memory as well. Remembering another christmas tree, blazing in lights, and a girl and boy huddled under blankets listening to those cute little bands which made our hearts soar, remembering a cold winter where we feared for the Orchids and found something else entirely.

Merry Christmas, D. 'dont you go thinking I never did love you'. Because you did truly 'mean the world to me'.

** Italics are excerpts of D's journal written over the course of January-March 1994, the Rymer referred to is obviously not Rymer my son but the man my son is named for, The Field Mice were not scheduled to play that show on that long ago January night as they had long ago broken up, fate merely played a strange hand in the form of a minibus accident involving the Orchids leaving two of them hospitalised which caused Harvey Williams to suggest the Field Mice playing a few songs, in the natural order of things that show should have been Northern Picture Library, Blueboy and the Orchids.

previous & next