I don't write here for the most part but it's also still a small measure of privacy. I can write about things that I'm embarrassed or ashamed of more freely because let's face it, I don't think anyone's reading anymore.
Things are really bad and I don't know what to do or how to process it. I thought we'd have to move out of here by the 2nd but I'm hearing now that it could be as early 20th. Five fucking days before Christmas when we have no where to move to. I can't stomach the idea of all of us being crammed into a tiny studio for 6 months and had decided to take Rymer and go stay in Paradise with Mandy..I was good with it, Rymer was good with it. Then Joren decides to bump up his moving date after hemming and hawing for months and expecting Mandy to make all the concessions while he basically did whatever the hell he wanted. I know it was because of how incredibly childish and possesive he is of her..he heard I was going to be staying there and all of a sudden decides to come early? Coincidance? Yeah, right. So sure I could stay until March but what good is that? I can't get a job, save enough money, know enough about the area, know how Rymer feels about the school, ect. enough to make a decision about commiting to a rental and life there in that short amount of time. So my options are nonexistant and it scares the hell out of me. I also worry that once I say, "no, I wont be going up there, the fucking baby can relax" that he'll at some point push it back to June again and that will be it as far as I'm concerned. I won't support this relationship nor will I be a hypocrate and go to their wedding (assuming he proposes) and make nice. So on top of everything else, I lose my best friend too. Last night the car's engine blew. So now we're carless on top of everything else. Living in a isolated place where the shopping is 15 miles away and transit only runs twice a day and not on weekends. C. has been taking my mom to catch her bus to go to work but he's been bitching to me about it and generally making me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Although if I was on my vacation but had to drive someone everyday at 5:30am, I'd bitch too so I can't say much. So obviously I'm depressed and obviously I feel incredibly alone. I don't want anyone to feel they have to try to "fix it" but at times like this I'd welcome someone just letting me know that I'm not alone or that I have to pretend everything is perfectly fine all the time. I feel hopeless and that's a scary feeling.
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melodrama, cockblocking, 156 moments, losing, goodbyes, people who suck at driving mountain roads, fakery, backstabbing, broken promises, really hot weather, late snow plows, traffic, being woken up early, monsters and hamsters