gwensarah and johanny
it's like being buried alive and being eaten by fire ants
00:03 & 22 May 2005

*insert big drawn out sigh* Have I ever mentioned how much I loathe drama? How all I want to do is to live somewhere with Rymer and have some unchaotic happy life? I'm sure I have. However, my mother is and will always be a fecking chaos magnet. Where she goes drama follows, of course since I am in proximity I get sucked into the vortex. I don't mean I involve myself..oh no, it's that its always things like breaking down cars or scenes she makes and since I'm around I get the fallout. Today was no exception. I am much too tired to go into detail especially since it's always the same sort of drama. chaos, cycle, repeat. Seriously.


What irritated me about this is the fact that I am already dealing with my sister's Bridezilla tactics. Anyone who read the Woodpecker entry in my last journal knows far too much about my sister's favourite hobby. Showing me up and rubbing my pretty little nose in it..she called me up and went on and on about her perfect size 8 dress and when I said "well I rather like the bridesmaid dress" she promply went and chose a dress that there is no way under the sun I could ever hope to look good in. I'm a fat girl..it's no secret. I got big boobs and a big booty and as long as things are covered up, I can look pretty good.


This dress covers up NOTHING and it clings. Not pretty. I'm going to look like a heffelump wearing a nightie. And tomorrow I get to drive 150 miles (round trip) to go try on this atrocity with two other perfect body bridesmaids. As if this was not an ordeal, she ups the ante. Uses her upcoming nuptials to drive home something hurtful. I'm the spinster sister. Ye gads, I had reached a point where I was OK with staying single (cereal at night, day long marathons of CSI, not having to pick up after anyone, not having to worry about conflict between some guy and Rymer or worse yet finding myself on the 11 O' Clock news because I chose some seemingly *good* guy but turns out to be a kid killer..ok so maybe that last one is a stretch but you get the idea..) because i've no desire to settle for anything less than the real deal. I tried the settling thing once before, didn't work out so well. But I'm honest with myself these days and know that some of us are just not meant for the marriage package. There's something about having it rubbed in my fsce though, of fielding the questions about why I don't date, of having my sister going out of her way to make being a bridesmaid a penance for some imagined trnagression I commited when we were kids. Who knows. She didn't even want to marry T. so it's not that she's just an excited bride, nope it's just one more thing she can *win* at with her. From music to writing to marriage..she turns it into a "look what I got that you don't".


It's bloody exhausting.


And yes, I know I could just choose not to go. I could get a good book, some herb and the complete seasons of CSI and have a much better time. But can anyone imagine the family fall out from that? Yeah, so can I.


Ok, rant over. How's you're weekend going?!


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