gwensarah and johanny
We came along this road
18:25 & 15 September 2003

I made the drive over filled with trepidation and a strange sense of nervous excitement, it was as if it was opening night to a production only this was no play but my life.

Headlights illuminating trees and endless expanse of road, I was lost to my own thoughts. What would be his reaction to my revelation? Would my courage falter? I could see no further than me saying, "I need to talk to you about something."

All too soon I had arrived at my destination and after taking a quick peek at my anxious expression in the rear view mirror and running a brush through my hair I slowly made my way to the front door.

He answered the door with a surprised smile on his face. "Hey," he said, "I was about to try out the new expresso machine so your timing is perfect."

Settling into my usual place on the window seat I tried to concentrate on what he was saying from the kitchen but the butterflies in my stomach were growing to an alarming rate.

Restless I leaped up to put on a record, finally settling on an old favourite. The music soothed my nerves and as he handed me a steaming mug I felt a sense of detatched calm settle over me.

"I still love you." I blurted out, inwardly cursing myself. There went my carefully planned speech!

I had to laugh at the stunned expression on his face and quickly continued, "Don't say anything yet. I meant what I said, I do love you although I had planned to ease into that particular announcement. We've been friends for ages and there's no one I trust more. I had this whole speech planned out and now I'm making a mess of it but I just think that we'd be good together. I know you've seen that, that's it's crossed your mind too."

Watching the myriad of expression cross his face I felt uneasy, had I just made a complete fool out of myself? I took his hands in mine, "Say something, anything." I said softly.

"Well Gwenny," he said, "you sure do know how to stun a man." I laughed then and the tension was broken somewhat.

"You know that I love you, that I've always loved you. No one is more important to me despite everything that's happened between us. I never told you that part of me wanted to hurt you for leaving when you did. No, don't say anything," he said seeing me about to speak, "I understood your reasons. It's over now and we've riden out that particular storm. I'm asking you to be the understanding one now. God, I love you so damn much but I can't say yes to there being an 'us' again.

"Because of the accident?" I asked. "Yes," he said, a tortured expression crossing his face, "Regardless of circumstance I killed that boy, until I come to terms with it I can't force you to be a part of my misery and guilt."

I didn't say anything, months before during a storm Damien had accidently struck a young boy riding home from a friends house, I had already said everything that could be said to attempt to lessen his feeling of guilt.

Seeing my tears, he took me into his arms. "You'll always have me," he whispered, "You're my best friend and I adore you to pieces, no matter what we are to each other you will always have that and in time maybe..."

"Our timing will always be flawed won't it?" I said bitterly, "I just wish that whatever fucked up force that operates the universe would just lay off us. First it was my demons, I ran away I admit it. I couldn't deal with what happened to me. I won't let you do the same, I won't watch you destroy yourself over an accident but what I will do is wait. You're not losing me this time so accept it now."

Smiling gently he looked me in the eyes, "If nothing else I'm resigned to my fate where you are concerned, you always have had a knack for getting your way." he said.

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